Shadow

   IFC Pictures, you've done it again..... always making it impossible to tell whether or not I like the movies you put out. This movie most certainly had its moments of interest for me but when I view it as a whole I just can't really figure out where I stand. One thing I do know is that all their thinly veiled jabs right wing politics are hilarious.

   There's small hints of plenty of other horror releases ,good and bad, from the past strew about this movie ("Strangeland", "Reeker", "Human Centipede" and even the non horror action classic Jean Claude Van Damme's "Hard Target") and as it's creatively sewn together, the story is interesting. Not bad either is the acting, although I was having a hard time taking the Tom Brady look alike lead character seriously, but he's really not all that bad. Now the main part that's creating my quandary of not knowing whether or not I liked the film is the "twist" at the end.

   This movie is also very well shot, I don't know the actual location of filming I'm guessing eastern Europe somewhere, but the camera and scenery work is excellent......well for the first part of the film anyways. The remainder of the film is inhabited by one of the most fence straddling villains I have seen to date. Once again I really can't tell you how I felt about this psychedelic toad licking, Auschwitz resident/black metal music video looking creature they made for this picture. Truly chilling at times and bordering silly at others.

   Now I'm not going to tell you you should or shouldn't watch this movie but if you do watch it I'd like to know what you think. I guess just for curiosities sake I'll up it an extra notch in the ratings.

6/10 detached retinas

Die You Zombie Bastards!

        Not very often do you find blatantly and purposely offensive and ludicrous low budget horror comedies that succeed on any sort of remarkable level. Over the years I can count on two hands the ones that I have personally watched that were worth even half of my attention, and most of those were "Troma" releases.  "Die You Zombie Bastards!" is most definitely one of those few that succeeds. Bizarre, bloody, boob obsessed and just plain goofy, this movie had my cheeks aching by its end from the impossible to control grin that was pasted across my face for its entire length.

   Story be damned, who needs one when you got a cast full of absolute hams willing to degrade themselves and others for a few days in search for some shock filled laughs? Ridiculous dialogue scenes sporadically thrown together amongst ballsack and boob driven comedy and riotous fight scenes full of enough cheap guts, brains and dismemberment  to give George Romero an anxiety attack. Seriously I have never seen so many different phallic prosthetics in one movie, there's giant monster boners comin' out of this movies metaphorical ears! All these things coupled with maybe the best "superhero" ever in "Red Tool" a well meaning, hippie slaying serial killer (who wears a cape made of sewn together pieces of his former victims) turned savior of the world just tops this gore flavored cake off oh so well!

  I would have loved to be on location for the filming of this flick because I'm convinced it was probably the time of everyone who was involved's life. More movies need to be made by people having this much fun. While this review has probably already sorted out which of you is "in" or "out", I'll say it anyways......this movie is only for those with the proper sense of humor and a love for cheestick horror comedy.

8/10 detached retinas

Damned by Dawn

  Damned be the twats from down under who thought this piece of work was a good idea. Basically it's just  a Australian made for T.V. quality movie on par with most of the "SyFy Original" trash. I'm going to attempt to paint an accurate picture of how terrible this movie was, but it may prove to be a tough task.  I will try to stay away from ranting too crazily on about all of the shortcomings and missed opportunities this film had and merely stick to facts........and I repeat "I will try".....no guarantees.

  Bad acting, bad writing, bad script and a iffy concept that maybe could have been done justice by someone far more competent than the fools who created this garbage, but sadly no luck. Banshees are an interesting and rarely used horror movie evil that I think deserve an bit of research and effort by the right creator, but with so little known by the general public about these mythic beings, it's sad that someone ruined what may be a lot of peoples first introduction to them. And on top of that they ruined just about every other creature that showed up on screen known or unknown throughout the rest of the flick as well. I mean, here's a few of your monsters: slow flying, mostly c.g.i. vengeance fueled zombies, uncoordinated, dopey and also c.g.i. reapers, and a couple of live action zombies with sausage for guts and pixels for brains. I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating some of this shit was, not even really all that funny in the "laugh at the people who are failing" sort of way.

    It's truly maddening sometimes the absolute crap people will push out for viewer consumption, I just can't imagine someone watching the final cut of this movie and saying with any seriousness "That's it! Exactly what I envisioned in my head!" .......Weirdo's!  

(p.s. totally went on a rant anyways, oh well.)

2/10 detached retinas

Shrooms

    I will say one thing to get this review started, they certainly tried hard to make this movie good. An English and Irish production that employs a mostly American cast. I still haven't figured out what the "message" of this venture was, seeing as I formed several different opinions on that throughout its length. But "messages and morals" aside it was an entertaining watch.

    The writing is fairly hokey featuring a group of "friends" who have ventured all the way across the Atlantic to experiment with psychotropic drugs for the first time, and yet they seem to hate each other, lashing out and fighting amongst each other during the majority of the movie (not the ideal situation I would advise for your first "trip"). There is however a satisfyingly fun although safe twist that wraps the movie up and the characters aren't completely hateable. Now I'm not a magic mushroom expert or anything but I am pretty sure a lot of the information in this film on the subject is utter hogwash. But how often do movies get matters such as this right anyways, no biggie.

   Decent is the violence and monster make-up although i could have used a great deal more of it. This is one of those movie that leaves you saying "damn, wish they would have shown that". The direction and production is clean and some of the "tripping" scenes are artfully shot, but there's nothing in here really worth raving about. The one truly remarkable feature of this entire effort was the two Irish backwoods ex-institutionalized buddies that have several unnerving appearances throughout, they are completely perfect in all their slobbering glory.

   Like I earlier mentioned this movie is better enjoyed while not looking for a moral or purpose to it, because otherwise you might just walk away unsatisfied. It is however a very accessible movie that I could recommend to most.

6/10 detached retinas

Severance

    English comedic horror film set in the Hungarian countryside.......sounds like a recipe for awesome right? .......not so fast. It had all of the elements that I love in most horror comedies, and yet somehow fell a little flat for me.

   Witty dialogue coupled with decent acting gave the movie a definitely strong start and the story was even interesting at first, but in the end I think it was the story that unsold me on the whole concept of the film. Maybe it has something to do with the large number of movies that have been forced into the horror market that involve groups of homicidal wingnuts of whatever background attacking other less fortunate and less prepared groups. Although there was an neat little twist of a connection between the killers and their prey that made these victims a little less sympathetic than most. But, for whatever reason by the end I was slightly bored.  

    However on the other hand  you have the gore which was definitely a major saving grace to the film. Disembowelings, beheadings and a bear trap incident that will make you laugh and cringe all at once. Damn fine work on this end to say the least.

   Retrospectively it's not really a bad film at all, I think sometimes I just get a little tired of the limitations that the horror genre leaves the less creative minds with.

6.5/10 detached retinas
 

Harpoon: Whale Watching Massacre

    What would i do without Netflix instant and a job that allows me to watch the occasional movie? Answer: probably review less movies. Thank you job downtime because this Icelandic offering was a real treat.

    Featuring an appearance by the one and only original Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) and a general crew of fairly entertaining nobodies who make it quite a task to tell who the villains vs. victims really are. These "victims" might not be axe murderers like the down and out whalers that are trying to kill them for some unexplained reason, but they are however much more cutthroat, offing each other and fucking their fellow man over at a clip that would make Michael Myers head spin. Fairly well acted was this film, although it held some questionable dialogue early on, but that didn't really affect the movie by its end. Storywise it's a tried and true recipe of; fell on hard times working class family turned psycho-religious murdering culty types, biting a tad off the "Texas Chainsaw..." deal while staying fresh via the fact that they are out of work Icelandic whalers and not out of work Texan meat packers, I know that doesn't really sound all that different but trust me it is.....kinda.

   Classic slasher fare is the meat of the violence in this film, well done, brutal, creative and believable. commercial fishing/whaling gear makes for damn fine weaponry if you ask me, and there's a lot of different ways it can be used to the delight of me, and plenty of other gore enthusiasts!

   While the title should be enough for most true horror film fans to already check this one out, those of you more casual fans should give this one a gander too......it's worth it.

7.5/10 detached retinas

3 Slices of Life

     Well my lady was not happy about it, but we watched this one anyway. Take such movies as "Creepshow" and "Trick 'R Treat" and lower the standards set by them and you've got "3 Slices of Life". Three stories told within another. It bums me out from time to time that semi good ideas sometimes get lost behind bad execution. The creators definitely meant well with most of this film but the end product was at times hard to watch.

    Three of the four stories are great concepts. In the first story " W.O.R.M." you've got computer virus created zombies...good call, the second story "Amber Alert" contains ghost children out for vengeance.....tired and weak concept, the third "Pink Snapper" is about a descendant of Elizabeth Bathory who is host to a sexual parasite that eats her partners starting with the dick first.....total win, and finally the base story of a amnesiac girl who dreams these stories up and somehow they appear in her life indirectly. Now if they could have possibly hired a single competent actor to fill the roles in this flick it may have become a little more likeable.
    
     There's a undeniably awkward and strange mix of great low budget gore and make-up and completely inept and laughable C.G.I. (people without the skills and budget for c.g.i. should just stay away, in fact as far as I'm concerned just keep it out of horror all together). Some of the better moments of the film (i.e. flesh computer complete with vagina mouse, a truly "hammer smashed face", and the earlier mentioned cock hungry parasite) are true B-horror gems and can almost justify a watch on their own. But as soon as you get me around animated bloodspray and photoshop esque ghostly face coverings I start seeing red. Seriously sometimes you've just got to stick to what you're good at!

    This films, for all its flaws, seeming purpose to me is basically to cull the herd, if you make it all the way through it.....well, I guess you're in the club!

5/10 detached retinas

Hunger

         Trying to give objective reviews in the face of unoriginality is proving to be a harder task than one might think. These "captured and tortured human experiment" flicks ,a la  "Saw", "Hostel" and "Unknown", started to wear thin a good while ago for me, although when done just the right way they can be very ....well....for lack of a better word,captivating .This movie is by no means the worst I've seen coming out of the genre, but it is still far from great.

   It felt like the story was meant to bring a certain amount of sympathy for the captor/villain, which may have worked had he had any lines or personality or just something going on at all. The victims are a fairly decent cast of characters but still leave a little to be desired as far as establishing a connection with the audience is concerned. There was definitely a concerted effort to give back stories to all the characters but they all fall flat and unimaginative and plainly formula following. And by the time the actual killmax (<another Jason creation) rolls around the audience is bored, any sympathy earned earlier is out the window and traded in for blood lust.

   Once it finally starts finally flowing there is a good amount of blood in this film. But disappointment is still right around the corner. Its an effing movie about cannibalism and there's no fleshripping or gut wrenching or any of the good effects associated with human flesh being consumed in a movie!

   Tired script, tired concept and tired effects make for a tired reviewer.

4/10 detached retinas

Bad Biology

           Good lord, I'm still a little speechless after this one! The director of classics such as "Frankenhooker" and the "Basketcase" series has outdone himself with this one. You've got a girl with seven clits who has mutant bathtub babies mere hours after sex, a giant sentient steroid addicted phallus, vagina mask wearing rap video girls, and an underground hip-hop soundtrack to beat all. If all that is not enough to peak your interest you're probably reading the wrong blog.

   Terrible acting (save for one scene in a drug house that was maybe one on the most realistic portrayal of failing drug addicts interacting I've ever seen) and ludicrous dialogue aren't even nearly enough to outweigh the pure must-see'ness of this picture. Weird rambling narratives wear thin minutes into the film and yet it's still unturnoffable. The films strength lies completely with its bizarrely unique and sexually maniacal story. 

   The make-up and effects are so bad yet so good, the only way they really should have been done if you ask me. The scenes are riotously funny, so much so at points they merit re-wind re-watch status for sure. I'd like to shake whoever's hand it was that created/came up with the three foot long disembodied penis that burst through multiple walls and floorboards time and time again to rape a half dozen inexplicably naked and stacked ladies before falling into a drug withdrawal induced coma.

   While I'm not going to actually come out with a statement of "this movie was good" per say, I will say it's highly recommendable (for those with the appropriate sexual sense of humor). Original, shockingly silly and just plain a hoot.

8/10 detached retinas

Sheitan (Satan)

    At this point I'm running the risk of sounding like a broken record, but I'll toe that line anyway. The French are a truly disturbed bunch. And this picture did not stray from that estimation in the slightest.

    Vincent Cassel (Black Swan, Eastern Promises) is a true vision of hysterically terrifying madness. The slowness of the first three quarters of the film is redeemed by the random awkwardly perfect moments littered throughout. The story isn't anything amazing, its just appropriately executed by a cast of the most deserving of their fate victims I have seen in a horror movie in quite awhile, I mean these kids are total a-holes.

   Like I earlier mentioned there isn't a ton of violence through the entirety of this film, kinda one of those cavalcade of blood at the end type movies. What violence is in the film is well done and brutal, but the strength of this film truly lies in the concepts.

  Highly entertaining psychos, demon spawn, inbreeding......i mean what more could you really ask for in a horror movie?
  
7.5/10 detached retinas

The Lost Tribe

    This one was rough, I'm just gonna start out by getting that outta the way. An absolutely shameless and unimaginative rip-off parade. There's pieces of good movies strew throughout this film with a lack of respect that's actually saddening. You've got "Predator" style killers with a hint of the creatures from "The Descent" and a dose of the infamously horrible "Congo" thrown in for...... well, who knows why, it certainly wasn't "for good measure".

    Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead, Alien) is the only recognizable face in this picture, and he's not even really in it all that much, the cast is boring and completely without any endearing qualities. The story is ridiculous and some of the scenes are so full of holes the A-Teams van would be jealous.

    Some of the gore is decently done, and the monster make-up is at least serviceable. Nothing to write home about, but it works, kinda.

    If there is one thing i learned from this cinematic experience, it's that if you are being attacked by missing link ape-men just rub slimy space grape mush all over yourself and they won't be able to see you....problem solved.

2/10 detached retinas

The Tripper

      I've started re-going through my personal collection of movies and I'm going to be reviewing a few of the standouts over time. And to get things rolling I present (or should i say David Arquette presents) "The Tripper".

   Like I mentioned earlier David Arquette co-wrote, directs and has a decent sized roll in this film, along with Jason Mewes ("Jay"of "Jay and Silent Bob" fame), Paul Reubens (good ol' Pee Wee Herman), Thomas Jane (Hung, Killshot, The Punisher) and a few other slightly less but still familiar faces.

   From the opening credits until the films end you are barraged with tongue in cheek Reagan era rhetoric while our killer carves and hacks his way through a campground full of drug addled dirt worshipers. It's truly hysterical at points. The story and dialogue are super funny, especially if you live or work anywhere around Ashland Oregon or have ever attended a rave/hippie gathering. The characters are over the top while not being annoying and the acting is adequately handled.

   From the violence standpoint this is an absolute gem ! Blood, guts and body parts are flying throughout. Although some of the scenes come off cheese style, it works for a movie as ludicrous in the first place as this one is. I mean who really wants to pick apart how the hippie got killed just enjoy the patchouli bather's demise (the ol' "gift horse in the mouth" deal)

   Totally a recommendable movie for just about anyone. S(laughter) abounds!

7.5/10 detached retinas

Martyrs

 
  Today I'm going back to a movie I watched over six months ago but is still sticking with me like i watched it only yesterday. A serious contender in my eyes for best horror film (not featuring zombies) of the last decade. This film is a triumph of sub-genre fusion and twisted writing. And of course.....it's French. Surprise! Seriously I don't know whats in the effing water over there but those eclair eatin' S.O.B's are on a goddamn roll with thrilling horror!

  Directed by Pascal Laugier (who is rumored to be directing the "Hellraiser" re-make, and you'll see why that's awesome news once you watch this film) this movie is merciless from minute one. The first forty five minutes or so of the film are a classic yet emotionally crucifying revenge film......but it doesn't end there, the minute.....no.....second you think all is well it turns into a demented torture flick until the movies unthinkably bizarre and creative ending. The acting is (not that it really matters in this film) well done and brings you inside the victims realm so you get the "pleasure" of at least sharing a little of their pain. And the violence is plentiful, varied  and gruesome.

  I really don't know how to sum up this movie other than telling you DO NOT let the subtitles or the fact that it's French keep you away from this one. I'm tired of good movies being excluded because people are too lazy to read or think French filmmakers have something to do with the politics of their country. WATCH THIS MOVIE!

10/10 detached retinas

Jack Brooks Monster Slayer

       This movie sat on my coffee table for damn near two weeks due to my lack of desire to submit myself to another of Robert Englund's (<Freddy Kruger) recent piles of dung. I'm now punching myself for it. This picture rules.

      First scene of the movie didn't give me a whole lot of hope for the rest of the film considering the fact it has one of the most Power Ranger-esque monster fight scenes I have seen in awhile (well probably since i watched Power Rangers last). And truth be told the monster creations don't get much better throughout the film, including some half assed hairy wolverman, and a final showdown scene featuring an evil tentacled rockbiter (Neverending Story) look alike. But those scenes are not what makes this movie successful. It's surprisingly (given what I've already been saying about the film) well shot, quality film and good camerawork, and an excellent story brought together by one of the most triumphantly diverse slapstick horror comedy casts.....well maybe ever. Almost every character is played to perfection especially the professor played by the afore mentioned Robert Englund, who is an absolute slapstick horror joy throughout the movies entirety! The "minion" make-up is decent and the gore is fun while not being much more than a slime splatter goo fest.

   After watching this movie all I could think was "FRANCHISE THIS!" because they have got a good thing going that, if done right, could only get better. Good thing the second one is already in pre-production! Be back soon/someday with a review of it.

     7.5/10 detached retinas

Pig Hunt

      I had to re-watch this one because i didn't really give it much of a chance the first time i watched it being as i was distractedly puttering around the internet and eating lunch while it was on. I'm glad i did (plus my girlfriend was mad that i watched it without her).

   This film is quite a mishmosh of plot twists and various genres of horror. You have the quintessential "backwoods family", an extraordinarily large killer pig, and cultist hippies all out to give our "heroes" a hard time in this one, and each aspect works in its own right. And it doesn't hurt that Les Claypool (of Primus fame) lends the score his own brand of psychotic hillbilly tunes.
  
   Like I earlier mentioned the story is rife with twists and turns, and is suitably brought together by decent actors. The gore factor is suitable and even well done at points. And the character make-up and wardrobes are believable, while not being over the top or generic.

   In summation, while not going to blow anyone away, this movie is well executed and very entertaining.....I really am glad I gave it that second look.

7/10 detached retinas