V/H/S

  Well, once again the hype machine has struck. And this disappointed reviewer has fallen for their shit yet another time. I've been buzzing in anticipation of this flick for a couple of months now. Finally get the sucker queued up and slowly but surely all remnants of said buzz are slowly washed out of me with each passing moment of this unimaginative and all too cliche waste of time. The film has moments where I regathered hope and interest and thought to myself "Well, maybe if they finish the rest of this picture off strong, they can justify some of these other, more glaring issues." But each time a moment like that arose it was crushed soon thereafter by another, more glaring issue than the past.

   This anthology has a lot of the elements you need to succeed when making a variety platter type film, but they are so disjointed and amateurishly thrown together that it's hard to credit anyone for their creative input. A couple of the early stories were interesting and had a very realistic feel to them. Being a found footage anthology, all of these stories are shot on home video and the first two stories really did a good job of capturing the essence of what the scenario would be like for the person filming.....no unnecessary story prompt scenes that take you out of the moment or unrealistic camera work. Good gore was in both of these shorts, with a really great creature make-up that will stick with me for awhile. I commend the directors of both of these shorts and wouldn't be adverse to viewing anything else they have to offer. But from there things start going severely downhill.

   The next story is an absolute bomb, terribly acted, shot, written and just plain aggravating. The entire time the camera is freaking out and harsh feedback assaults the ears while the picture cuts in and out.....this could have been forgivable if the premise was interesting, but it wasn't.....at all.

   Following by far the worst story of the film is the strongest story conceptually, a bit weak on visuals, but a good premise. The lead actress of this story is a pretty fun shepherd for this little journey, and despite the purposely confusing ending, it still left an easily swallowed taste for my movie viewing palate.

   Next up we've got the resolution of the host story, which has been going on throughout the film, before and between the other stories. The characters in this do a pretty great job of acting like assholes, so there a bit of justification in their demises, but I really don't even have any idea what the hell happens to them in the end. It's poorly shot, on purpose, but it doesn't make it any more authentic feeling.....just nauseating.

   The final story of the film is about as generic and cliche as has ever been in an anthology style movie. Ghost/exorcism/ jump out scare crap. But by the time we had made it to this point of the movie none of us watching it were invested enough to care that the scares were even going on. There's not much to this story, just a group of guys saving a girl, running....etc. Really weak stuff. And roll credits.

   The true gravity of my disappointment didn't completely hit until a few minutes after the movies end as I went through what I had just seen and weighed the sum of its parts, which didn't add up to much. Even the good moments of this film weren't really good enough for me to recommend this movie to anyone. But that what the hype machine is for. Step 1. throw the most visually striking moments in a trailer. Step 2. get people talking. Step 3. ????? Step 4. PROFIT! Whatever, I guess I'm just bitter.


4/10 detached retinas