S&Man

     I feel like I've joined some sort of elite club of hyper-underground horror fans by having watched this "documentary". I put documentary in quotes because of the fact that, while it is a documentary, there is an element of fiction thrown in that turns this film into one of the most morbidly fascinating pieces of work I've ever watched.

     The point of this film is to take an in depth look at the works of such super underground sadist filmmakers as Bill Zebub and Fred Vogel of "Toetag Productions", while attempting to find the attraction to movies such as theirs. Interviews with them and their "Scream Queens" (Debbie D.) along with several mental health professionals, search what makes them and their audience tick, and why they think we as a society have the attraction to death and morbidity that we do.

     Now the fiction element comes from the movies interaction with the creator of a series of films called the "S&Man episodes" (Eric), with which the documentaries creator becomes rightfully suspicious of. The awkward creepiness that this character exudes is that of legendary proportions, and his series of films are just as creepy. Leading to an ending that I can only explain as "unparalleled".

     There's plenty of on screen violence, nastiness and plenty of breasts and the sort in this movie, but the better part of it is in clip form harvested from some of the earlier mentioned directors back catalogue for documentary purposes. But the real winning element of the visuals is the amount of simplistic and realistic violence in the S&Man series. The a total lack of glorification of the violence within that series gives it a greasy feeling of dread and sickness that makes the "episodes" feel all the more like "snuff" films and not like movies. Disturbing to say the least.

     Educational, and mind warping......not often you get a two-fer like that, their marriage in this movie is done in a genius way that I haven't  seen to date. I really think any and everyone is doing them self a grave disservice by not watching this movie.


9.5/10 detached retinas

Recycled Parts

    72 minutes of goofy, B-rate, pseudo psychotic, torture horror is a good way to spend part of your work day, if you're askin' me. Even though this movie was far from anything resembling "good" by traditional standards, it still had enough of the right elements to entertain a cheese enthusiast like me.

    Story you ask? There isn't one, well......almost. Terribly acted, directed and thought out, and even lacking in creativity, bringing to light memories of such films as Re-Animator, and The Human Centipede while not cashing in on the charm of the former nor the deranged ideology of the latter. But somehow it still created a bit of it's own charm, mostly through the main villains mentally handicapped assistant.

    There is a sizable amount of decently done violence in this movie. Featuring all the types of scenes you would expect from a surgery based torture horror film. Organ removal, amputations and the like are all here, and done as well as one would expect from a movie of this caliber.

    This movie would probably make the larger percent of you who read this blog turn it off no more than twenty minutes into it. But there are the few of us, and you know who you are, who like these kind of sloppy little pictures.....for those of you who do, give it a shot............as for everyone else, I'd say skip it.


5/10 detached retinas

Bloody Reunion

    I wish Asian languages translated better into English, or that maybe someone with a better understanding of both of the languages did the translations, because I'm getting tired of not understanding whats going on half the time. Admittedly Korean horror films aren't super easy to follow even when translated correctly, but still, why make it even more confusing?

    This flick starts out fairly slowly in order to set up the tension and motive properly, and then it is ON! Twisted kill scenes and stomach turning torture sequences that only Asian cinema has had the cajones to release before clutter the bulk of the second half, giving way to a twist that gave me a headache at the end. It's not that I didn't get the gist of it, because I did, I just didn't understand why it was necessary. It actually made the rest of the earlier mentioned torture scenes and generally brutal feel of the movie seem to be for naught. It's too bad as well, because overall, ending aside, I really liked this movie, It looked great, had great horror, engaging characters and enough blood to drown an army of vampires. It just finished of with a foul tasting confused whisper and not the bloodsoaked explosion I was anticipating. Oh, well these are the brakes of Asian moviemaking.

6/10 detached retinas

SL8N8 (Slaughter Night)

    Danish satanic slashers that promise wheel barrels full of gore, that's something I've got to check out every time. It took me a week to finally finish this one, but I got 'er did. Don't ask me why it took me that long, because I've got no real reason. This movie was pretty effin' good.

    Every once in a while I think, while I watch these types of movies, about climbing through the screen and asking the dumbass occupants of the world inside; Why would you DO that? Have you not seen a freakin' horror movie before? You're asking to get yourself killed! I mean, yeah, I get that your dad died as an indirect result of his studies of this turn of the century satanic dude and you want to get to the bottom of what's going on, but tryin' to be Nancy Drew in these kinda situations is a recipe for disaster and more often than not....dismemberment. But then I realize in that same breath, we wouldn't have ninety percent of the horror movies that are out there if the characters within made smart and life saving choices.

    To be totally serious though, this movie has a decent story that, when handled by the semi cliche but still quality crew of actors in this one, is fairly potent.

    Violence...... there is a ton of it, through the films second half. Which may (or may not) be the reason it took me awhile to finish this one. Once the violence finally does start, hold on, because it's a ride. Beheadings seem to be the killer, or killers, favorite method of dispatch, but there is plenty of other (extremely well done) killing methods utilized within this film.

    Glad I didn't give up on this one, not that it ever really gave me a reason to. I think i just have attention span issues from time to time......Anyways, If you like gory foreign slashers, don't hesitate to give this one a whirl.

7/10 detached retinas

Wild Country

   "Man Bear Pig Goes to Scotland" would have been a much more appropriate title for this movie. This one is an hour and thirteen minutes of goofy, bloody and hard to decipher wackiness.

   Out of all the English speaking countries it's a toss up between the South Africans and the Scots for who has the hardest to understand accents, with the Scots coming out a nose or so ahead. I really could have done with some subtitles at points during this movie, but being as it wasn't all that in depth of a story anyways, I made do. The story is pretty simple through most of the film Large beasts on the prowl for some unaware kids on a holiday, but the ending........oh, the ending. So stupid, yet so funny, and a little confusing as well. It doesn't hurt the film at all, it's just bizarre.

   Set in the hill country of Scotland, this one has a smooth production and doesn't stray too far from most of it's European counterparts in cinematic quality. The kill shots, at points, are something to shout over with some really great creature on human savagery to behold. It did get hard to see from time to time during some of the night scenes, but I'm going to blame the better part of that on the computer screen I watched it on.

   So if you lookin' for some ear squintingly, bloody, fun stuff to wrap your eyes around, look no further than this little gore parade.


7/10 detached retinas

Trapped Ashes

    I guess the fact that the Tales From the Crypt franchise has seemingly disappeared becomes moot once you have a collaboration like this that resembles it so very closely. Think Bordello of Blood meets Creepshow, and that's about what you've got here.

   Five stories make this one up, but don't go into this one looking for a lot of variety, all the separate scripts kind of resemble each other in some way or another. Bloodthirsty breast implants, Japanese necrophyletic (<<<sounds like a word...... right?) demon zombies, a succubus witch, a girl with a love for her womb-mate who happens to be a giant tape worm and the surrounding plot in which all the other stories are given rise. All of those things may sound worlds apart but somehow, to me, seemed to get semi repetitive by the films end. Now, it's not well acted by any means, in fact quite the opposite, but for some reason it didn't bother me. I'm thinking it probably had something to do with those similarities I was speaking of earlier, because by no means were either of those films "well acted", but both held a certain charisma as does this movie..... to a point.

   Boobs and blood are in no short supply in this film, but it is fairly lacking in true "gore". There is some, just not enough in my book for a movie of this type. The make-up and effects are professional at least, and feature some stand out scenes including the parasitic nipples which were my personal favorite scene, and the zombie sex scene was pretty ghastly as well.

   This is a style of horror that's never going to awe anyone, but when done right (which for the most part this one was) will always entertain. It's not going to change any ones life, but still give it a watch, it's fun.


5.5/10 detached retinas

The Horde

     I have been meaning to give this movie another watch for awhile now, due to several requests for a review of it and also for my own personal enjoyment. I must own this film, because I have a feeling this won't be the last time I'll be wanting to see it. Plus it's French.......nearly a no brainer.

   Adrenaline, brutality, passion, sweat, blood and fear seep from every pore of this film. Featuring some of the most intense zombies since "the infected" of  28 Days Later, this film delivers (and some) on all of your basic zombie movie requirements. Terrifyingly convincing make-up and prosthesis on both zombie and victim alike. And I literally think they may have bought the greater portion of France out of fake blood, cause they used a TON!

  The sudden and confusing way in which the whole scenario unfolds, lends this movie a genuinely scary and realistic feel. Well acted would be an understatement, the strife and stress of the situation is palpable throughout the film, from every actor/actress you can feel almost as they feel. Also, the cast is a varied and believable mix of characters, lending another element of realism that some films fail to strive for. The story has a nice freshness to it as far as sub-plots go, but boils down to the same ol' thing in the end, zombies are here, fight or die. Do you really need anything more from zombie horror? Naw. But there is a bit of a twist at the end that you may or may not find entertaining, I did.

  I'm tellin' ya, if you count yourself a zombie movie fan and you haven't seen this one you're doing yourself a grave disservice. Watch it.


9.5/10 detached retinas

Night Crawlers

     Joel Greco......that's the name of the dude I was trying to figured out where I knew him from for this entire movie. He's the douche bag from that terrible show Cheaters. I knew I didn't like him for some reason, and along with not liking him, I didn't like this movie either.

     Don't let the movie poster fool you, this movie is neither scary nor does it even come close to having the level of make-up production that the poster suggests. There was a whole lot of misleading going on in the marketing of this film. There's some semblance of a vampire/comedy going on here, but aside from a scattered few laughs, they failed on most aspects of both genres. The acting is alright I guess, but the dialogue is so ridiculous it doesn't make much difference, and the situational comedy tries fairly hard to be funny, and is at points, but for the most part it's such an asinine scenario in the first place that it makes it hard to laugh with their attempts and not at their attempts.

     Now, I'd love to say it didn't get any worse from there, but it did. Their attempts at monstrous vampire make-up were probably the only true comedy in the whole movie, most of them came off looking like slow-witted, leprous goofs....In all seriousness, I know a bunch of people who do better jobs on their own make-up for Halloween than then these guys did for a movie......pretty pathetic.

    There's really no redeeming features of this picture, aside from the few laughs, and they weren't worth the seemingly long hour and fifteen minutes I spent watching this.


3/10 detached retinas

Murder Party

    This is one of the best and most original horror films I've seen in a long time.....if not ever. You throw in a bunch of "art scenester" related satire with gallons of fantastically executed blood and guts and add a generous helping of smart comedy and your well on your way to finding the keys and title to my heart.

    Like I said, this movie is smart and was very obviously written by someone who has spent a good amount of time in or around the "art scene" as they nailed with such hilarity all the usual "artsy" types to a T. The basis for the film is a bunch of random pretentious artists randomly dropped an invitation to a "murder party" in hopes that some hapless fool would wander into their elitist trap and they could artfully capture said fools murder. Which is exactly what happens, only they're all so high on their craft and an assortment of other things that it goes unsurprisingly awry. The actors in this one play their parts immaculately, creating such a genuinely hilarious scenario that you almost forget for awhile they're planning on murdering the poor fool they lured there. And speaking of the "poor fool" he is played to perfection as well, wearing maybe the best halloween costume on record, and being a quiet comic genius to boot.

    The gore and violence couldn't have been done any better either, including chainsaws, fire axes and moonshine fueled fiery disfigurements (which actually results in one of the better make-up jobs I've ever seen). This one is gory, to say the least.

     To any and every one of you who read this review, WATCH THIS MOVIE! There's really not a lot of other ways I can say it, just that you will be missing out if you don't.

10/10 detached retinas

The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu

     It's not hard to see that this movie was made with a comedy before horror type mindset. But the creators obvious love for the campy-ness of monster movies shines through the entire film like a beacon.

     This movie is funny.....really funny. There aren't a lot of familiars faces save a couple of minor commercial personalities and some guy who was in Grandmas Boy, but they still manage A-list comedy execution with uproarious dialogue and winning character development. I guess it makes me at least half a nerd that I understand so many references made within nerd comedy but this movie is full of 'em and they are great.

    The premise is a bit goofy as it is centered around the return of cthulhu, but it also makes for some great opportunities for outlandish monster costuming and slapstick gore scenes, which are actually quite bloody and awesome considering the silliness of the rest of the film. And to top all these things off with a slick HD quality feel, just gave the film that much more legitimacy.

     Comedy and horror movie fans alike will get a treat with this one, regardless of whether or not you're a fan of both genres of film. Highly recommend.

8/10 detached retinas

Carver

   Gawl! Everywhere I look Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripoffs are waiting to suck me into their overworked but still slightly entertaining clutches. Would it kill someone to come up with a little American horror originality every once in awhile? Not a whole lot to ask for.

   Backcountry, hillbillies, torture and young adults, including the token whiner, the token douche and his token slut and the token hero and heroine. Combine those things with a token story and they may as well have called this movie "Token".

  But, there are a few standout parts of this cheeser and all of them are derived from the movies attempt to gross you out (b.t.w. I wouldn't suggest watching this one while trying to eat, especially is you have an aversion to feces.) The gore is solid low budget stuff, and while they do hide from view a few of the money shots, I believe its because of budget restrictions or make up artist talent issues rather than a lack of desire to please a gore thirsty audience.

  Looking back at this one, I can safely say its creators meant well while making it. It's just a little uninspired and washed up as far as concept goes, but I would definitely watch another one of their films, no question.

5.5/10 detached retinas

To Kako (Evil)

    Greece, where ya been? Just now getting on the zombie train when your neighbors to the east (Italy) have been doing it with gusto for thirty plus years? Well whatever your explanation, welcome to the entertaining zoo that is undead themed film making and thank you for coming.

    Classically delicious, that's what comes to mind as I review this one. Every aspect of this film is some sort of shrine to the the masters that came before, from the campy zombie movie approved acting, to the bloody and hilarious killshots and violence. Comedic without actually being a "comedy" and ludicrous in all the right ways. Not to say this doesn't have a hole filled plot, or inspire some unsolicited laughter, but in that same breathe didn't Fulci, Romero and Argento inspire those same laughs at times? Of course they did.

   I applaud this movie in every aspect and look forward to reviewing To Kako 2 because from what I've seen it's gonna be even more fun than this one was, no small feat! Cheers to you Greece on a successful first foray into "the land of the dead".

7.5/10 detached retinas

Eden Log

  Foreign art films never fail to amaze and anger me with their abysmally frustrating and confusing endings. This movie had me enraptured for damn near its entirety, and then with five minutes remaining, proceeded to take a fat dump on my chest leaving me open mouthed with the putrid taste of disappointment making my bile ducts scream for release.

  The basis for this one is centered around energy crisis solutions of the seemingly distant future gone wrong. Shot in what I could only describe as some sort of subterranean missile silo or abandoned nuclear power plant (which if it was, would be fitting). Feeling in style, as with many other French (dialogue is in English) films, a bit of Terry Gilliam, specifically 12 Monkeys. Just about everything about the visuals in this flick are amazing, from its bleak and panicky production, to the great makeup work on the fiend like mutants chasing the main character, to the entire films general concept art. Fact is, the only glaring disparity I found within this film was its atrocious ending.

   I have a stinking suspicion that art film directors/ writers give them selves too much credit and shoot too high with their concept, end up writing themselves into a corner and, BANG, you have movies like this. I'm probably wrong, but it makes me feel better about my wasted two hours.

4.5/10 detached retinas

Isolation

     I used to wonder how long before the "abominations of science" horror films began to get stale. But now that I have given it more thought, the more I realize they won't, as science and greed progress the more feasible these films become, and the more brutal they become as well.

    This little Irish delight is built around just what I was earlier talking about, scientific testing to find a way to make cattle mature earlier and therefore come of birthing age themselves at a faster rate, so on and so forth, making much more money for the dairy and beef industries.......where could that go wrong you ask? Well if you have to ask that question, this just might be your first rodeo.

    This movie is grimy all the way around, from the bleak, muddy, rundown cattle farm setting to the violent human and animal mutilations to the very core of its script. Well acted and well shot with a feel of palpable desperation that extends for the length of the movie. The gore scenes as well are gritty and realistic, featuring exoskeletal, bloodthirsty, mutant calf fetuses boring their way through bovine and human intestine alike. From whatever angle you decided to look at this film, it is a solid peice of work.

    So if you have a mind to try to interfere with the natural evolution of species, be they non threatening in their current state or not......I would suggest you watch this movie before doing so, there are good lessons to be learned within.

7.5/10 detached retinas

Prey (Proie)

 

    Now this is a "creature feature" with some class! Unlike its many counterparts within this campy sub-genre this film is taught, slick, engaging and downright intense. And to top all that off it has a worthwhile social message to sell, and does so without seeming all that preachy. Oh, and did I mention it is French? If you've ever read this thing I like to call a blog before, you will know that about 90% of the time that's a win for me.

   The story revolves around a family that goes hunting in search of a boar that had been ravaging the countryside and finds out the fertilizer made by their company is killing off most of the indigenous wildlife, and the animals it is not killing.....well, that's where the horror part of the film comes about. Well cast, scripted and acted with a very compelling plot. The only drawback I really had from this flick was its length, at just under an hour and twenty minutes it felt a little short.

   The gore was accomplished and the general look of the film was polished and dark, leaving small parts to the imagination but not in a way that frustrated, more so it added to the suspense and creep factor of the whole film. The creatures or blooddrunk boars, as they were, were well done as well without ever really being fully in the shot, and the many dead animal carcasses strewn about the set had were so putrescent looking that you could almost smell them through the screen. Visually well done all the way around.

   Now if you don't like looking at made up images of what humans impact does to our planet, and even our immediate ecosystem, I would not suggest watching this endeavor. But if you want to see a smart and bloody look at natures revenge I highly recommend you look no further than Prey.

7/10 detached retinas

The Mad

   I may never know where exactly the viewpoint of the people that made this flick is coming from but I can  however safely say that their main commentary was firmly centered around something between food production regulation reform and vegetarianism. Not so subtly hidden within a zombie comedy the earlier mentioned "agendas" don't draw attention away from the successes this film enjoys. In fact, depending on your tolerance for preachy morals, it kinda added to this films charm.

   Story is similar in flavor to a hybrid of Dead and Breakfast and Slither while still establishing its own identity through killer burger patties and a hamburger induced zombie outbreak. Billy Zane (as you've probably deduced from the poster by now) leads a veritable cast of comically entertainingly nobodies. The dialogue and acting are well done for the most part, but the comic disconnect from the events at hand begins to wear thin by the films end. I will say this for Billy Zane though, he plays a damn good 40 something, ex-waveo, still trying to relate with the younger generation-dad, and has a great on-screen rapport with everyone he shares the camera with.

   The make up and gore portion of this film is done in a very professional yet still campy manner. The usual zombie related fodder is all here, bite wounds, beheadings and all the usual "rippin' and tearin". The zombie make up is decent, but nothing to amaze. I think the most standout effects driven part of this movie was probably the animated/animatronic killer burger patties.

    This movie by no means wowed me, but it was very entertaining through and through. I'm thinking anybody, horror fan or no, could get on board with this one.

6.5/10 detached retinas

The Darkroom

   I don't really know why I'm even wasting the time to review this one when all the end result will amount to is me telling you not to waste your time on it. But seems as I have nothing better to do right now, what the hell....

   This movie actually barely amounts to a real horror movie, apart from reoccurring drug induced monster sightings, the presence of a serial killer, and a couple of half assed throat slashings, this one really amounts to more of a mystery than anything else. but apparently someone else disagrees with me because it was on TMC's "Splatterday" on-demand lineup.....whatever. It has a few familiar faces including Lucy Lawless (Xena: Warrior Princess), and Greg Grunberg of  Heroes. But nobody steps up to make it any more interesting. There are however a few twists at the end that threw me but more likely had I been a little more invested in the story I would have figured them out. The violence is sparse and weak and the monster scenes are shakey and out of focus and frankly gave me a bit of a headache.

  All around this movie is close to unwatchable (and yet for some reason I watched the whole freakin' thing), don't let the snappy movie poster fool ya, avoid.

2/10 detached retinas

Plague Town

     Sometimes even when I don't necessarily love a film, it can still make me excited to see what the director will do further down the road. David Gregory did that for me with this movie. While it wasn't all bad, it felt a little amateurish at points.....but it was his directorial debut, and everything from this point should be uphill for him.

    The story is one that brings to mind a combo of  Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Children of the Corn, but has enough of its own flavor so that it doesn't reek too terribly of plagiarism. Now the main lacking point as far as script and story is the victims situational awareness, there is not a whole lot of survival instinct going on, more so just standing around and letting themselves get killed. At least the death scenes are gruesome though, very much so in fact. Piano wire face cleavings, shotgun induced throat-splosions, and a near reverse lobotomy courtesy of a fire poker top off the "meat" of our violence, and it is convincingly bloody stuff. Also there is a good amount of spooky imagery involving the townspeople and their "plague" which really just boils down to their children being disfigured (you won't want to miss the scrotum chin dude).

   Horror connessuiers will like this one I can tell you that much, but for the more casual fans of you out there, give it a shot too. Its just may be a sign of good things to come.

6.5/10 detached retinas

100 Tears

     This is what I'm talking about, B movie horror doesn't have to suck! With the right eye for detail and an at least charismatic (if maybe not the most professional) cast, you can get a long way in low budget horror.This movie showed that to the fullest extent.

  A beautiful and bonding father and daughter romp through the rib cages and rectums of thirty or so mostly unsuspecting east coast citizens, complete with clowns, a midget chase scene, disembowelings, beheadings, super funny dialogue and gallons upon gallons of fake blood. This movie made me literally laugh out loud numerous times while at work watching it (which can be a little awkward considering I don't really know if I'm allowed to be watching movies at work, but it can be our little secret). Now it's not going to be winning any awards for amazing creativity, but thats not all there is to a horror film. Sometimes you just want to see people get chopped to peices by a ludicrous clown while laughing at the couple of goofs bumbling around trying to figure out who's doing the killing.

  Classy, slick, accomplished.......none of these words apply to this movie.......but the one that does, fun, is plentiful to be had. Not for everyone, but if you've got the stomach, give 'er a whirl, you'll thank me later.

8/10 detached retinas

Shiver (Escalofrio)

    It is not very often that you get to call a true horror film "cute" but this one somehow fits that billing. While still being gruesome and spooky it has a strangely heartwarming tale to tell.

    The story is centered around a teenage boy who has an allergy to sunlight and as a result has to relocate to a tiny Spanish village nestled in the mountains. To not give anymore of the story away I will just say there is a feral child involved once he arrives in said village and he becomes the suspect in a series of murders. The endearing part comes from the execution and casting, everyone has a certain aura of believability to them be they good or bad within the story. And the character relationships are genuine. Well scripted, creative and ambitious this movie really did it for me from all plot and acting standpoints.

   Along with the story being great, the violence and make-up effects were its perfect companion. There is a good amount of bloody animalistic scenes throughout this film and they are done very convincingly. And the earlier mentioned feral child.....well let's just say that she looks exactly like what you would think a feral child would look like.

   One more note that this movie brought to light for me was the cinematography, which was beautiful and very European-esque. Which made me come to the realization that foreign (especially, but not limited to European) horror films actually do have a kind of different feel to them (aside from the subtitles). They don't feel as rushed and they seem to take care with the smaller things like settings, scenery, character build up and the other things that draw the viewer to that next level of involvement in the film. Hollywood, take note, cuz you'z abouts ta get served.

   Anyways, back to the point at hand, this movie is a real fun watch, and I think just about anybody could get on board with it.

7/10 detached retinas

Hatchet II

   I'm going to start this one by saying if you have not seen the first Hatchet and you're a fan of early 80's style campy slashers, do yourself a favor and watch it. It's totally worth it. While its sequel does a fair job of standing on its own it's always nice to have all the backstory figured out so that when the previous film is referenced you're not feeling left out.

   As I earlier mentioned this film hearkens back to the simpler days of horror. Absolutely nothing new here, but it's done oh so well. A full dumptruck load of gore, a liquid kiloton of fake blood and a good measure of silliness to top it all off. Tony Todd (Candyman) makes his second appearance in this franchise as the "voodoo" Rev. Zombie, and there are a few other familiar faces in this one as well. Kane Hodder (Friday the 13th) plays the monster role of "Victor Crowley" who is a vengeful mutant ghost hybrid with a pension for using quite a varied array of implements to dispatch of his prey. Throw this all in with a sleek production, set it in a swamp outside of New Orleans and you've got yourself a winner.

  Simplicity combined with professional pride go a long way to satisfy this reviewer, you don't always have to have the best story, or the biggest budget or even that great of a cast. Just love what you do and pay a bit of tribute to the old gods now and again......and your on track for success in my book.

7.5/10 detached retinas

The Other Side

     Just your everyday classic tale of redemption, love, and demonic bounty hunters. But seriously, after you peel away the outer layer of low budget production and the annoying score, this movie really starts to shine.

    Like I earlier mentioned, this movie has almost a "made for t.v." type production style, but don't let that turn you off, the story alone was more than enough for me to stay interested. It features a plot based around escaped occupants of Hell running from demonoid bail bondsmen, all the while our "on the lamb from hell" main character is multi-tasking his way towards an answer to the mystery of his missing girlfriend, of whom he happens to be accused of killing. Well acted, eh, I wouldn't quite go that far, but I will say that the dialogue is well written and the cast is endearing enough to make up for any miscues they might have. And the small bits of comedy tossed around for good measure don't hurt the film in the slightest.

   Make-up effects are limited, with the "bounty hunters" just being grey faced humans with dark eye shadow, but the gore is good, despite most of it being played around a lot of slight of hand and angle playing to avoid any direct shots of the carnage, just bloody and simple. There is however a bit of CGI, but I'll give 'em a pass because they didn't lean on it too heavily throughout the film.

   Now, I'm goona go out on a limb and say that probably somewhere around half of you that read this will like this movie, it's definitely not super accessible, but I liked it and I'm standing by it.

7/10 detached retinas

Shadow Puppets

   This movie is proving fairly hard for me to put a label on. I'm torn between it's low budget SyFy-esque exterior and it's semi ambitious plot. Those two things combined are a little confusing to me, but I will attempt to sort them out with the following.

   Now the setting and the characters and acting and all of those sorts of "unimportant" things are all ranging anywhere from sub par to terrible . Its set in a mental institution- boring. The best actors (most well known anyway) in the movie are Tony Todd of Candyman, and James Marsters who played "Spike" on the legendary Buffy the Vampire Slayer series, and a few semi attractive females.....accomplished. And as far as the dialogue goes, pshaw, fugedabowtit. But the actual story goes into some interesting areas, centering around the removal of bad memories as a way of rehabilitation via a "mind wipe". Apparently at some point during one of said "mind wipes" something went wrong and the smoke monster from Lost was summoned and decided to try to disguise himself by wearing a mask and pretending to be a shadow and why the hell am I going on in this much detail.........?......... This movie was terrible! NEXT!!!

3/10 detached retinas

Seed

 

  How I ever forgot I watched this movie will remain a mystery to me. Between the sadistic animal cruelty montage (all actual real life footage borrowed from PETA's archives) that opens the film and the mercilessly twisted and bloody pace that it keeps up through the films later half, I really can't figure out my oversight.

  Uwe Boll wrote and directed this borderline masterpiece which came as quite a surprise to me considering his history of making terrible films i.e.  House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Alone in the Dark II, BloodRayne, BloodRayne II: Deliverance, and  In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale......all, in my opinion, worthless films (and yes I am admitting I've seen all of them). Now this one is not all great, the script at times is asinine with cops getting offed in the most obviously avoidable ways, but I'm just gonna set most of that aside because as a whole this movie really does shine. Well acted for the most part, and well cast with some recognizable faces. The story is not in any way original, just that of a mindlessly sadistic killer doing his thing until he's caught and executed (not very well obviously) at which point he returns to wreak his vengeance upon his captors/executioner, with a decent little ending sequence that wont be making our villian too many friends. It's just the next level achieved by the some of the other elements of this film that make it a winner.

  Now our villain in this one is fairly nondescript being a classic patchwork hood/mask wearing faceless monster of a man that we've all seen plenty before in slasher film after slasher film. The fear factor all boils down to the acts committed, headlined by a six plus minute scene in which he slowly caves in a woman's skull by taking multiple, just hard enough, swings at it with a small, blunt on one end, hatchet......ruthless scene that, even for me, was kind of hard to watch. The general gore is very well done and well placed throughout the film. There wasn't much to complain about at all where these things were concerned.

  So, for you weak stomached "teen scream" horror movie fans out there I would say maybe avoid this one. But if you think you've got the stomach for it......watch it already, it is gruesomely awesome.

7/10 detached retinas

Shapeshifter

   Yup, gaze upon the glory that is the "Shapeshifter" movie poster. If you haven't already figured out whether or not you want to watch it from that artistic masterpiece, well, I guess keep reading then.

   This flick starts with blood and boobs flyin' around at a pace that set a nicely gore filled premise early, while it did slack off a little from there, it didn't disappoint from a gore fanatic standpoint. The monster however was not all that awesome turning out to be a kind of half hearted attempt at the Djinn from "Wishmaster" and the crated beast from "Creepshow" hybrid. He just ended up looking very suited up and a little wrinkly which is a major wrench in the workings of attempts at villian legitamacy as far as I'm concerned.

   The story was kind of interesting set in a prison type environment, with russian gypsy mafia references and explanations for the presence of our shapeshifter. But when coupled with our crew of rejected from late night cinemax "actors" the story gets a little lost in bad one liners, inexplicable heavy breathing and terrible eastern european accents. It is humorous though, accidentally so, but still.

   Now I would never tell you to go out of your way to see this silly little film, that being said, if you do happen to run across it with time to waste.......give it a shot. It's not terrible.

5/10 detached retinas

Sam's Lake

   I sometimes wonder why and how some horror movies even get made, is it because they are a "gateway" movie for young directors to get their foot into the door and hopefully move on to bigger and "better" things, a.k.a. just another bullet point on the ol' resume? I ask this because of the general lack of pride and passion in a lot of this genres recent releases (especially within the American films). While some of these movies may do one or two things well, they can't help but feel a little rushed and dull.

  This movie is pretty much just you same old cookie cutter crap for the first half or so, group goes on vacation in woods, group tells spooky story around campfire, story turns out to be real.....with one twist of which I only guessed half of before it was revealed. The characters at first are likeable while extremely token, and decently acted until the killing begins, at which time they all become as generic as the rest of this film.

  Now this is where the lack of passion becomes most apparent, the violence. It is so frustratingly scant and minimalist that I almost started cursing aloud at the screen. I understand that not every horror movie has to be buckets of blood and guts, but if you aren't going to go in that direction you'd better have a damn cerebral mindf**k of a story to make up for it, which this movie in no way, shape or form does.

  If your hearts not fully in it do us all a favor and let someone else who is into it take the reigns, believe me when I say the horror movie community will thank you.

4.5/10 detached retinas

Last of the Living

   Apparently New Zealand needs to re-up on its zombie research, considering "Braindead" (titled "Dead Alive" in the states) was given life there you'd think that would be all the template needed for them to make another great zombie experience.... you'd be wrong.

   Early on in this one it seemed as if they were more concerned with making some sort of low budget music video than a zombie movie, with all sorts of overbearing and annoying music played over atrocious montages of not well thought out "zombie apocalypse" activities. At points it seems in this movie there isn't any sort of scourge going on at all, the electricity is all still working, the streets are sparklingly clean, no ransacked buildings or signs of your usual end of the world type struggles, and the zombies are rarely seen outside of their specifically tailored scenes. But its not all bad, there are bits of silly dialogue here and there that are laugh worthy, and the general camaraderie throughout is fun enough. The story is uninspired, but not bad, and I didn't mind the characters at all (while not loving them either).

  Now here is where more problems arise, plenty of blood, almost no gore......it's a zombie movie, not good. Even when perfect opportunities for it arise, they are squandered with either a silly screen wipe or generally obscured by the zombie horde, frustrating. And the zombie make up is abysmal.....that is all I will say, just terrible.

   Whatever, they can't all be winners.....

4.5/10 detached retinas

Creep

    Classically delicious, from front to back this movie is good ol' slashing fun. Sometimes you've just got to keep it to the fundamentals to have success in the horror genre. There's nothing new here, and that is a good part of why I liked it.
  I know I have seen this story somewhere before, I just can't place where..... Eh, who cares? It's a good enough story to see repeated. The cast is serviceable while not all that likeable, most everyone in this film had "kill me please" written all over them. And the main heroine/victim is a real c**t to boot....although she does start to come around by the end.....but then again, don't they all? One of the only beefs I did have was with the writing because of the lack of any explanation or back story for our killer, they do give you some clues but it is all so vague that it became a little frustrating by the end.
  One of the most successful parts of this picture was the killer (thus why the disappointment over no back story) who is a sort of "toxic avenger" meets "The Lord of the Rings- Golem" type fella who screams like Dani Filth (Cradle of Filth) and pantomimes surgery, oh, and likes long walks in sewer tunnels along with rat raising and white wine (<maybe not...but who knows). The violence is decent, but a little short on the shock side, a lot of blood, just not a lot of "money shots".
  All in all this ones a pretty successful effort by our buddies from across the pond (UK). I'd suggest it to most.


7/10 detached retinas

Days of Darkness

       Tentacles, testicles and parasitic zombies OH MY! This movie has got it all, from accidental comedy to sexual organ removal to messages promoting the overuse of alcohol. It's been a long while since I have seen one of those horror movies that was so accidentally funny that it actually changed my opinion of the film halfway through. This film did just that.
     Right from the start this movie reeks of generic, overused plots and creative inefficiency, but the acting and dialogue are so awkwardly bad and hilarious that it makes you forget or just not really care that you've seen this situation in movies so many times before. Haplessly misused ones liners and ridiculous logic executed by a stand out/drop out cast of the worst/best "actors" for their roles gave this movie life through self-parody. Not that this movie was really meant to be serious in the first place, but even their attempts at comedy are so far off base that they come all the way around to indirectly being funny again.
    The violence and creature creation are a whole other story. They had good ideas here just not quite the budget to pull them off. Tentacled & virgin born face grabbing parasites, ballsack replacing/dwelling alien fetuses and brain leeches are some of the more entertaining efforts along with some run of the mill low end zombies. There's some decent low budget gore, autopsies and the like thrown around for good measure so the movie definitely doesn't disappoint on that end.
    Wrapping this one up I realize it's not going to be everyones cup of tea, but if you're a longtime horror fan and don't mind a few laughs at the expense of others, by all means this movie is for you.

6/10 detached retinas

Session 9

         This movie was abysmally frustrating, and not just because it had David Caruso in it (he was surprisingly not half bad in it). It just never did or solved anything! Horror film that start out slow are sometimes some of the best either because they are making you feel something for the characters through their development or they just want that element of surprise when the shit actually hits the fan, but for that to work the shit must actually hit the fan at some point.

      The story here is a basic tale of a man at his breaking point confronted by outside influences that push him over the edge, plenty of wind left in those sails, but this movie missed that boat entirely. There are bits and pieces of believable and semi-intriguing dialogue throughout the film, but most of it falls on deaf/bored ears after awhile because you are just waiting for them to actually do something. And when 4/5ths of the way in stuff actually does start going down, disappointment town is right there waiting around the bend. No gore, nothing gets shown, a small amount of blood is pooling here and there but there is nothing redemptive at all here on that end of things.

      If you are going to attempt to make a psychological horror film without the use of very much violence you had better hope you have and intriguing plot to back it up, or else you're in for the same failures this movie endured.

3/10 detached retinas

Wilderness

    It almost feels to me like I already reviewed this film considering the similarities it holds to fellow British horror movie "Severance". But there are subtle differences. Mainly the fact that this movie isn't a comedy at all, and the story revolves more around revenge driven retaliation than a bunch of random slayings by war sickened ex-military individuals (although the killer in this picture actually is ex-military).

   The story is entertaining (albeit not all that original), that going along with the interesting characters, who happen to be a cutthroat group of youth prison inmates sent to a remote island to "learn a lesson" or something of the sort, gave me pause to stay tuned. For the most part it is a well acted affair, with good plot twists and unpredictable behavior keeping you guessing throughout.

   But where this movie truly succeeds is with the violence(which also smells of "Severance") but is totally brutal and masterfully executed. Canine disembowelment, ultra violent beheadings, various dismemberment and stabbings.... the usual fodder just very well done.

   So in going with the assumption you haven't seen "Severance" (which I found out actually came out in the U.K. within two weeks of this film) I would recommend this movie highly to a very wide audience, and if you have seen it....watch it anyways it's good.

7/10 detached retinas

Shadow

   IFC Pictures, you've done it again..... always making it impossible to tell whether or not I like the movies you put out. This movie most certainly had its moments of interest for me but when I view it as a whole I just can't really figure out where I stand. One thing I do know is that all their thinly veiled jabs right wing politics are hilarious.

   There's small hints of plenty of other horror releases ,good and bad, from the past strew about this movie ("Strangeland", "Reeker", "Human Centipede" and even the non horror action classic Jean Claude Van Damme's "Hard Target") and as it's creatively sewn together, the story is interesting. Not bad either is the acting, although I was having a hard time taking the Tom Brady look alike lead character seriously, but he's really not all that bad. Now the main part that's creating my quandary of not knowing whether or not I liked the film is the "twist" at the end.

   This movie is also very well shot, I don't know the actual location of filming I'm guessing eastern Europe somewhere, but the camera and scenery work is excellent......well for the first part of the film anyways. The remainder of the film is inhabited by one of the most fence straddling villains I have seen to date. Once again I really can't tell you how I felt about this psychedelic toad licking, Auschwitz resident/black metal music video looking creature they made for this picture. Truly chilling at times and bordering silly at others.

   Now I'm not going to tell you you should or shouldn't watch this movie but if you do watch it I'd like to know what you think. I guess just for curiosities sake I'll up it an extra notch in the ratings.

6/10 detached retinas

Die You Zombie Bastards!

        Not very often do you find blatantly and purposely offensive and ludicrous low budget horror comedies that succeed on any sort of remarkable level. Over the years I can count on two hands the ones that I have personally watched that were worth even half of my attention, and most of those were "Troma" releases.  "Die You Zombie Bastards!" is most definitely one of those few that succeeds. Bizarre, bloody, boob obsessed and just plain goofy, this movie had my cheeks aching by its end from the impossible to control grin that was pasted across my face for its entire length.

   Story be damned, who needs one when you got a cast full of absolute hams willing to degrade themselves and others for a few days in search for some shock filled laughs? Ridiculous dialogue scenes sporadically thrown together amongst ballsack and boob driven comedy and riotous fight scenes full of enough cheap guts, brains and dismemberment  to give George Romero an anxiety attack. Seriously I have never seen so many different phallic prosthetics in one movie, there's giant monster boners comin' out of this movies metaphorical ears! All these things coupled with maybe the best "superhero" ever in "Red Tool" a well meaning, hippie slaying serial killer (who wears a cape made of sewn together pieces of his former victims) turned savior of the world just tops this gore flavored cake off oh so well!

  I would have loved to be on location for the filming of this flick because I'm convinced it was probably the time of everyone who was involved's life. More movies need to be made by people having this much fun. While this review has probably already sorted out which of you is "in" or "out", I'll say it anyways......this movie is only for those with the proper sense of humor and a love for cheestick horror comedy.

8/10 detached retinas

Damned by Dawn

  Damned be the twats from down under who thought this piece of work was a good idea. Basically it's just  a Australian made for T.V. quality movie on par with most of the "SyFy Original" trash. I'm going to attempt to paint an accurate picture of how terrible this movie was, but it may prove to be a tough task.  I will try to stay away from ranting too crazily on about all of the shortcomings and missed opportunities this film had and merely stick to facts........and I repeat "I will try".....no guarantees.

  Bad acting, bad writing, bad script and a iffy concept that maybe could have been done justice by someone far more competent than the fools who created this garbage, but sadly no luck. Banshees are an interesting and rarely used horror movie evil that I think deserve an bit of research and effort by the right creator, but with so little known by the general public about these mythic beings, it's sad that someone ruined what may be a lot of peoples first introduction to them. And on top of that they ruined just about every other creature that showed up on screen known or unknown throughout the rest of the flick as well. I mean, here's a few of your monsters: slow flying, mostly c.g.i. vengeance fueled zombies, uncoordinated, dopey and also c.g.i. reapers, and a couple of live action zombies with sausage for guts and pixels for brains. I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating some of this shit was, not even really all that funny in the "laugh at the people who are failing" sort of way.

    It's truly maddening sometimes the absolute crap people will push out for viewer consumption, I just can't imagine someone watching the final cut of this movie and saying with any seriousness "That's it! Exactly what I envisioned in my head!" .......Weirdo's!  

(p.s. totally went on a rant anyways, oh well.)

2/10 detached retinas

Shrooms

    I will say one thing to get this review started, they certainly tried hard to make this movie good. An English and Irish production that employs a mostly American cast. I still haven't figured out what the "message" of this venture was, seeing as I formed several different opinions on that throughout its length. But "messages and morals" aside it was an entertaining watch.

    The writing is fairly hokey featuring a group of "friends" who have ventured all the way across the Atlantic to experiment with psychotropic drugs for the first time, and yet they seem to hate each other, lashing out and fighting amongst each other during the majority of the movie (not the ideal situation I would advise for your first "trip"). There is however a satisfyingly fun although safe twist that wraps the movie up and the characters aren't completely hateable. Now I'm not a magic mushroom expert or anything but I am pretty sure a lot of the information in this film on the subject is utter hogwash. But how often do movies get matters such as this right anyways, no biggie.

   Decent is the violence and monster make-up although i could have used a great deal more of it. This is one of those movie that leaves you saying "damn, wish they would have shown that". The direction and production is clean and some of the "tripping" scenes are artfully shot, but there's nothing in here really worth raving about. The one truly remarkable feature of this entire effort was the two Irish backwoods ex-institutionalized buddies that have several unnerving appearances throughout, they are completely perfect in all their slobbering glory.

   Like I earlier mentioned this movie is better enjoyed while not looking for a moral or purpose to it, because otherwise you might just walk away unsatisfied. It is however a very accessible movie that I could recommend to most.

6/10 detached retinas

Severance

    English comedic horror film set in the Hungarian countryside.......sounds like a recipe for awesome right? .......not so fast. It had all of the elements that I love in most horror comedies, and yet somehow fell a little flat for me.

   Witty dialogue coupled with decent acting gave the movie a definitely strong start and the story was even interesting at first, but in the end I think it was the story that unsold me on the whole concept of the film. Maybe it has something to do with the large number of movies that have been forced into the horror market that involve groups of homicidal wingnuts of whatever background attacking other less fortunate and less prepared groups. Although there was an neat little twist of a connection between the killers and their prey that made these victims a little less sympathetic than most. But, for whatever reason by the end I was slightly bored.  

    However on the other hand  you have the gore which was definitely a major saving grace to the film. Disembowelings, beheadings and a bear trap incident that will make you laugh and cringe all at once. Damn fine work on this end to say the least.

   Retrospectively it's not really a bad film at all, I think sometimes I just get a little tired of the limitations that the horror genre leaves the less creative minds with.

6.5/10 detached retinas
 

Harpoon: Whale Watching Massacre

    What would i do without Netflix instant and a job that allows me to watch the occasional movie? Answer: probably review less movies. Thank you job downtime because this Icelandic offering was a real treat.

    Featuring an appearance by the one and only original Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) and a general crew of fairly entertaining nobodies who make it quite a task to tell who the villains vs. victims really are. These "victims" might not be axe murderers like the down and out whalers that are trying to kill them for some unexplained reason, but they are however much more cutthroat, offing each other and fucking their fellow man over at a clip that would make Michael Myers head spin. Fairly well acted was this film, although it held some questionable dialogue early on, but that didn't really affect the movie by its end. Storywise it's a tried and true recipe of; fell on hard times working class family turned psycho-religious murdering culty types, biting a tad off the "Texas Chainsaw..." deal while staying fresh via the fact that they are out of work Icelandic whalers and not out of work Texan meat packers, I know that doesn't really sound all that different but trust me it is.....kinda.

   Classic slasher fare is the meat of the violence in this film, well done, brutal, creative and believable. commercial fishing/whaling gear makes for damn fine weaponry if you ask me, and there's a lot of different ways it can be used to the delight of me, and plenty of other gore enthusiasts!

   While the title should be enough for most true horror film fans to already check this one out, those of you more casual fans should give this one a gander too......it's worth it.

7.5/10 detached retinas

3 Slices of Life

     Well my lady was not happy about it, but we watched this one anyway. Take such movies as "Creepshow" and "Trick 'R Treat" and lower the standards set by them and you've got "3 Slices of Life". Three stories told within another. It bums me out from time to time that semi good ideas sometimes get lost behind bad execution. The creators definitely meant well with most of this film but the end product was at times hard to watch.

    Three of the four stories are great concepts. In the first story " W.O.R.M." you've got computer virus created zombies...good call, the second story "Amber Alert" contains ghost children out for vengeance.....tired and weak concept, the third "Pink Snapper" is about a descendant of Elizabeth Bathory who is host to a sexual parasite that eats her partners starting with the dick first.....total win, and finally the base story of a amnesiac girl who dreams these stories up and somehow they appear in her life indirectly. Now if they could have possibly hired a single competent actor to fill the roles in this flick it may have become a little more likeable.
    
     There's a undeniably awkward and strange mix of great low budget gore and make-up and completely inept and laughable C.G.I. (people without the skills and budget for c.g.i. should just stay away, in fact as far as I'm concerned just keep it out of horror all together). Some of the better moments of the film (i.e. flesh computer complete with vagina mouse, a truly "hammer smashed face", and the earlier mentioned cock hungry parasite) are true B-horror gems and can almost justify a watch on their own. But as soon as you get me around animated bloodspray and photoshop esque ghostly face coverings I start seeing red. Seriously sometimes you've just got to stick to what you're good at!

    This films, for all its flaws, seeming purpose to me is basically to cull the herd, if you make it all the way through it.....well, I guess you're in the club!

5/10 detached retinas

Hunger

         Trying to give objective reviews in the face of unoriginality is proving to be a harder task than one might think. These "captured and tortured human experiment" flicks ,a la  "Saw", "Hostel" and "Unknown", started to wear thin a good while ago for me, although when done just the right way they can be very ....well....for lack of a better word,captivating .This movie is by no means the worst I've seen coming out of the genre, but it is still far from great.

   It felt like the story was meant to bring a certain amount of sympathy for the captor/villain, which may have worked had he had any lines or personality or just something going on at all. The victims are a fairly decent cast of characters but still leave a little to be desired as far as establishing a connection with the audience is concerned. There was definitely a concerted effort to give back stories to all the characters but they all fall flat and unimaginative and plainly formula following. And by the time the actual killmax (<another Jason creation) rolls around the audience is bored, any sympathy earned earlier is out the window and traded in for blood lust.

   Once it finally starts finally flowing there is a good amount of blood in this film. But disappointment is still right around the corner. Its an effing movie about cannibalism and there's no fleshripping or gut wrenching or any of the good effects associated with human flesh being consumed in a movie!

   Tired script, tired concept and tired effects make for a tired reviewer.

4/10 detached retinas

Bad Biology

           Good lord, I'm still a little speechless after this one! The director of classics such as "Frankenhooker" and the "Basketcase" series has outdone himself with this one. You've got a girl with seven clits who has mutant bathtub babies mere hours after sex, a giant sentient steroid addicted phallus, vagina mask wearing rap video girls, and an underground hip-hop soundtrack to beat all. If all that is not enough to peak your interest you're probably reading the wrong blog.

   Terrible acting (save for one scene in a drug house that was maybe one on the most realistic portrayal of failing drug addicts interacting I've ever seen) and ludicrous dialogue aren't even nearly enough to outweigh the pure must-see'ness of this picture. Weird rambling narratives wear thin minutes into the film and yet it's still unturnoffable. The films strength lies completely with its bizarrely unique and sexually maniacal story. 

   The make-up and effects are so bad yet so good, the only way they really should have been done if you ask me. The scenes are riotously funny, so much so at points they merit re-wind re-watch status for sure. I'd like to shake whoever's hand it was that created/came up with the three foot long disembodied penis that burst through multiple walls and floorboards time and time again to rape a half dozen inexplicably naked and stacked ladies before falling into a drug withdrawal induced coma.

   While I'm not going to actually come out with a statement of "this movie was good" per say, I will say it's highly recommendable (for those with the appropriate sexual sense of humor). Original, shockingly silly and just plain a hoot.

8/10 detached retinas

Sheitan (Satan)

    At this point I'm running the risk of sounding like a broken record, but I'll toe that line anyway. The French are a truly disturbed bunch. And this picture did not stray from that estimation in the slightest.

    Vincent Cassel (Black Swan, Eastern Promises) is a true vision of hysterically terrifying madness. The slowness of the first three quarters of the film is redeemed by the random awkwardly perfect moments littered throughout. The story isn't anything amazing, its just appropriately executed by a cast of the most deserving of their fate victims I have seen in a horror movie in quite awhile, I mean these kids are total a-holes.

   Like I earlier mentioned there isn't a ton of violence through the entirety of this film, kinda one of those cavalcade of blood at the end type movies. What violence is in the film is well done and brutal, but the strength of this film truly lies in the concepts.

  Highly entertaining psychos, demon spawn, inbreeding......i mean what more could you really ask for in a horror movie?
  
7.5/10 detached retinas

The Lost Tribe

    This one was rough, I'm just gonna start out by getting that outta the way. An absolutely shameless and unimaginative rip-off parade. There's pieces of good movies strew throughout this film with a lack of respect that's actually saddening. You've got "Predator" style killers with a hint of the creatures from "The Descent" and a dose of the infamously horrible "Congo" thrown in for...... well, who knows why, it certainly wasn't "for good measure".

    Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead, Alien) is the only recognizable face in this picture, and he's not even really in it all that much, the cast is boring and completely without any endearing qualities. The story is ridiculous and some of the scenes are so full of holes the A-Teams van would be jealous.

    Some of the gore is decently done, and the monster make-up is at least serviceable. Nothing to write home about, but it works, kinda.

    If there is one thing i learned from this cinematic experience, it's that if you are being attacked by missing link ape-men just rub slimy space grape mush all over yourself and they won't be able to see you....problem solved.

2/10 detached retinas